Letter To The Editor - Do’in it Doggy Style

Drawing by Kathy Beeson
Drawing by Kathy Beeson
Dear Editor,
To the environmentally aware guy in the $200K truck and trailer rig who dropped his liquid waste at the level crossing on Cedarside Road and Whiskeyfill Road on Thursday, August 31 at noon, we, the residents of Cedarside THANK YOU for improving our safety.

Wow! What a great teaching moment for your kids! I imagine it went something like this. “Kids, don’t use the lake as a toilet. This is forest fire country, so we need to save it up and perform a public service when we leave. We are going to help these country folk. They loaned us their lake and forest so the least we can do is contribute to their safety. No kids, the road won’t catch fire, but the domed top sure helps our putrescence flow in all directions.”
How lovely that you and your family can come and spend time at the lake and not have to worry about little details like your waste. How wonderful that you provided much needed moisture and fertilizer to our backyards when you thought you were just watering trees. You wouldn’t know that though because when I headed towards you, you jumped in your truck and left the scene at a high rate of speed, still trailing your golden effluent, I might add.
I was confused by this behavior. Not feeling neighborly? I was hoping to get to know you and your family to find out if you lead a vegan lifestyle so I would know how long to let your humanure cure.
I do want you to know that your contribution covered the road, side to side and ran 30 meters in length. Unfortunately not enough ran onto our property to really soak the soil and sink your fertilizer deep. Maybe next time you can drive right into the garden to dump your load. That would take some of the load off of us.
Excess money plus expensive toys plus arrogance plus ignorance does not equal success. It just increases your HQ (Hazard Quotient). Your high HQ increases your potential to create havoc for everyone and everything around you. And all this time you’ve been thinking how important you are cruising in your big rig.
If you can afford an expensive rig, you can afford to drop your leavings at the appropriate site. But then, your problee not smart enuff to reed, so look for the RV simbowl of the arrow drawpin out a toob into the big tank. That shood help. This has also been a teaching moment for you and your family. Didn’t understand the lesson? I can rewrite this letter in simbowls if that will help your comprehension. P.S. Days later, the dog still walks around YOUR stain, as do I. Thankfully, the looming snow and ice of winter is the perfect stain remover. But I guess that means we’ll be see’in you-all back with your snowmobiles in a couple of months. Yee Haa! Can’t Wait! You all come back and visit now, you hear.
Michael Austin, Cedarside